This Christmas I think meant more to me than any others in the past. Around 6 family members, along with myself, had Covid. Watching those around us get sick and knowing that the hospitals can’t help, was draining. And although we all felt like death, we pulled through. Being a diabetic, what scares me right now is that I have noticed my eyesight is worse after having Covid. As I said, we pulled through it, but I think we all know someone, whether it be family or friends that has experienced a loss of someone from Covid. We also have to remember our troops who are overseas right now missing their families, not knowing if there family is healthy or if their spouse is being faithful. 20 years ago this week, I called my then girlfriend who was also in the service, to wish her a Merry Christmas. Her mom answered and said she was in the hospital, recovering from her abortion. I should have a 20 year old son right now, but she went behind my back, 5 months pregnant and gave into her moms demands that she aborts it. So I know first hand how our troops overseas right now on this Christmas day are feeling and what kind of thoughts are going through their head about their loved ones back home. As I stated, this Christmas meant more to me because it made you realize that its not the presents around the tree, but the presence of those around you, is what matters.
Well, actually 5 but for the sake of this blog I’ll just say the two of us. I’m talking about me and my kick ass little daughter who is 2 1/2 months old. This little girl is everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. Obviously I couldn’t have this little one by myself, I owe everything to my girlfriend. For some reason, she figured I’d be a great guy to have a child with and here we are lol. People say that she looks like me, I think she has my eyes and my ears, but she has her moms lips and nose. I can’t wait for her to be able to crawl, walk, and talk but that will come with time. Right now i’m just taking it all in and loving every minute of it. I look at her and wonder how some parents can purposely do harm to their child? You have this innocent little person who looks to you for food, love, and of course diaper changing. How can you bring yourself to harm them? Shit, she hit her head on my chin and i almost starting crying my damn self cause i felt bad. I love my little girl more than anything in the world. I would die for her, and best believe, I’d kill to protect her.
These past few years have been kinda depressing. One mom had cancer, one had a heart attack, my uncle and grandpa both passed and I got divorced. 2018 though was the year that changed my life and a year that will be close to my heart. I met by wonderful girlfriend who has brought a smile to my face that I had lost. She showed me what it was to love again, and love her is what i do. She not only brought a smile to my face, but she blessed me with a beautiful daughter who was born on 12/19/18. This little girl, Sophia Kane, is the love of my life and it’s a love that I have never felt before. I look into my daughters eyes and my heart melts. Here I am at 39 years old, with my first child. People ask me if im tired already of changing diapers or not getting sleep. I can honestly say no. I love every minute of it. Am I tired? Sure, but this little person looks at me and I know its my job to protect and care for her. So now we enter 2019, which is not about me, but about my daughter and my daughters mother. 2019 is about the family that I helped create.
Today’s not a good day. Nothing bad per say, just have a lot of shit going through my mind. I just turned in my papers for the VA to fill out and that’s probably going to take a while to get back because the VA is slow as hell.
It’s frustrating when you apply for a job, don’t hear anything, then see a week later that the job was reposted on job sites. I think I’m just tired of being here. My family is here but I don’t want to be. My wife and I are supposed to be going to Austin in April and I already told her that maybe I’ll go up there a few weeks early and go job hunting. I talked to my dad about going somewhere else to look for a job and he said I should do what i need to do.
When i left this shit hole midwest back in 99, it was hard to leave my family, but I joined the Air Force and it wasn’t like i was just going somewhere with no job.
I just spoke to one of my good friends last night about stuff. I’ve known this guy since we were in the 5th grade, so I take his words to heart. I told him that I feel like I haven’t accomplished shit. I’m 36 and don’t have anything to show for it. Yeah Im married, but that’s it. No house, no kids, I bounce from job to job. I hate it. He said be glad you don’t have kids you have to worry about at least. I said that’s true, but if i did have kids, would that have put me in a different place today. What i mean is that I would have to do whatever it takes to clothe and feed my kids. I probably wouldn’t have been so quick to bounce between jobs.
This isn’t sour grapes. I know I can’t go back in time, it just sucks when the time you wasted is longer than the time you have in front of you. I think about those that go out and rob banks or rob people. Like really, how many of them wanted to do that just to be a dick, vs those that did it because they ran out of options?
This leads me to religion. I don’t want to say God or Jesus because this applies to all religions. How long can you go asking for help or asking for something good, till you finally give up on the prayers? Personally, I pray to Jesus. Some would ask why I don’t pray to God? I don’t believe in God. I do believe in Jesus though. I don’t believe that he walked on water or turned water into wine or any of that nonsense. I believe that Jesus was a man at one time who did perform miracles, just not the type that i listed above. When i say miracles, I mean that he helped people more than others did. It’s kind of funny when speak to people about religion. How can you believe in Jesus but not believe in God, church or the bible? I believe in science. When a person is killed by a drunk driver, who do you blame, the drunk or God? The drunk right? So why is it that when a doctor saves a heart attack victim, you hear “god is good” “god works miracles”. God didn’t do shit, that doctor did. The doctor is the one who should be getting praised.