“What Do You Get When You Cross a Mentally Ill Loner with a Society Who Abandons Him ..?”

“You get what you fucking deserve”- Joker

When I hear this dialog in the movie Joker, it totally makes sense. I think about those who are mentally ill that can’t get the help they need. Then, when they snap and kill themselves or others, people question what could have been done to stop this person. Well, for starters, better mental health facilities with qualified staff would work.

From my personal experience, the VA comes to mind. You have staff there that has not dealt with or been trained to handle people with PTSD or mental illness. Of course you have a few psychologist or therapist that understand it, but even then you are pushed out into the civil sector with people who have no life experiences or can’t relate to the patient. All they have is a piece of paper or two hanging in a frame on the wall showing that they can write a thesis.

Around the later part of 2000, as Security Forces, I was in a foxhole with another SF member on our post. Like most SF members do when guarding something, you do “one up, one down” which basically means one person sleeps while the other stays awake. Of course this is frowned upon, but when you are working 12 hours shifts in the dark, it tends to happen. Anyways, one night it was my partners turn to stay up while I slept. Well, I woke up to something tapping the back of my head. When I opened my eyes, my partner was staring at me wide eyed. Then I hear “Airman Gonzales, you are fkn dead.” The staff sergeant took my loaded m16 and stuck it to the back of my head. That was the tapping that woke me up. My stupid mfkn partner fell asleep after me and could have gotten us killed. From that day forward, I do not like when people are behind me. Someone from my civilian job once came up behind me and flicked the back of my neck. Mind you I already told my coworkers not to come up behind me, yet this dumb shit thought it would be a good idea. Well, I turned around, made a fist and told him that if he ever did that again that I would fkn kill him. His smile didn’t last long when he noticed I wasn’t playing. Now of course I wasn’t really going to kill him, but I really would have jaw jacked him if I didn’t think before I acted.

The VA set me up with a therapist on the outside and it didn’t go so well. When the person says “well Robert, you know you should have probably stayed awake” it doesn’t sit well with me. No shit sherlock, I’m glad you studied a college text book to tell me that. This is why the VA needs to attract more healthcare veterans to work at the VA. You want to be able to talk to someone who possibly had the same or similar experiences as yourself.

At least the VA pays for my sessions. Honestly, I saw what they charged the VA and couldn’t believe it. How can someone who is mentally ill and homeless or living paycheck to paycheck be expected to pay these crazy amounts? Of course you may have health insurance, but you are only allotted so many times per year. You see someone for 12 sessions because that’s is all you are allowed, but a 13th session could have been the session that prevented you from killing yourself that night.

The system is not set up to help you, it is set up to help itself. When you are denied being seen by a mental health professional because you are homeless, have no insurance, no money, no means of payment, well …you get what you fucking deserve.


Well, I went to the doctors last Monday to discuss some issues I’ve been having with my eyes.  For some reason, my vision seems to have gotten a little blurry, especially in my left eye.  The VA had me do some vision test and they took labs.  The eye exam consisted of a pressure test and pics of my eyes.  The pressure test read 26 for my left eye, with a normal reading being 20 or below.  The right eye pressure read at 21. I’m thinking damn, my eyes going to explode. lol  The VA didn’t think it was that big of a deal since the veins in my eyes look normal, so yeah I guess i’ll just have to look like the guy from Total Recall. download Now the awesome part, my labs.  My glucose read at 191 and it’s supposed to be between 65-100.  With that being what it is, my metformin is switched to 1000mg when it was 500mg twice a day.  The thing that got me though, was the comment section stated my diabetes has gotten a little worse.  WTF man?  I don’t drink soda anymore. I eat snacks, but not a ton.  My triglycerides are at 354 mg/dL, supposed to be less than 150.  This one doesn’t really surprise me though being that i weigh about 280.  Well, I guess it’s going to have to be the gym everyday now.  Honestly, the only thing about diabetes that scares me is the losing my sight.  That’s why I was worried about my vision.  I’ll go through the bullshit of losing my leg or feet, but my sight, hell no.

Change of subject…

When my uncle was still alive, we would go metal detecting.  Not as much as I would have liked to, but we were both working so we went when we could.  Anyways, what i’ve noticed when i’ve gone these past two years, I’ll catch myself talking to him.  Asking him where he would search.  He either doesn’t want to help, or he is giving me bad locations cause i haven’t found shit but a few coins.

anonymousA part of me hopes that Anonymous takes down the internet, cellphones and satellite for a few days. I would think that those of us who grew up in the age before cell phones, internet and satellite would be able to survive.  But after thinking about it, I think we are so intertwined in the web, that we wouldn’t be able to handle it either.  I say this because I think that the media is garbage.  Let’s look at the black vs white situation we have going on now.  White cops get attacked by blacks, shoot blacks for attacking them and now its the cops fault.  Yet, you have incidents were blacks are attacking whites and not a damn word is said.  No protest, no riots, no 24 hour CNN coverage.  If you’re going to cover the news, cover all of it.  Don’t make it a black vs white, white vs black thing.  Stop giving cops a bad name when it’s 1% of them that are screwing up.  Same can be said for blacks and other races, 1% can label the whole group.  One bad apple spoils the bunch. Its also hard to prove that the cops have it out for you when your dumb ass goes and shoots at them during a demonstration.  I say just take all the cops out of ferguson and let the citizens fend for themselves, they wont be able to bitch about anything if there are no cops.   I haven’t been shot by any cops lately, probably because I don’t go attacking them.  Just sayin.